Thursday, January 27th, 2005
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12:20 am
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There are a lot of sayings in life, and I hold a lot of them to be true. But in my life so far i have never personally held one to be true until this winter.
"nice guys finish last"
well here's my story...........
i was in a relationship for three years. it was the relationship that everyone i knew looked up to. everyone down to my own mother told me about how special what we shared was. so it went on for a while and then all of a sudden it took a turn for the worst. even through everything that happened i stuck to that person. so me being the nice guy i stayed loyal throughout things that he did to me that i hope no one else i know has to ever go through the broken heart, the broken dreams, or the broken trust that i experienced.
so that would be enough to ruin anyone's winter but this nice guy's story is merely half over
about a month ago i realized that i was missing well over 1000 dollars. *i have been saving up money in a piggy bank since the summer for my spring break trip* so i couldn't believe that i was missing this money because only my closest friends go in my room alone to be able to take this money. so after a month of trying to catch who took the money i finally caught the person on sunday.
i have always been a person to trust everyone. since i can't lie to save my life i basically just assume that no one will lie to me. but obviously this trust has gotten me in a lot of trouble. it completely blows my mind that anyone can treat people the way i have been treated in these two situations because i was betrayed by two people that i held very close to me.
**Final Thought**
The only person you can ultimately trust is yourself...if your strong enough
current mood: baffled
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(15 comments | comment on this)
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Wednesday, April 16th, 2003
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11:14 pm
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well i havn't done this in a long time. but i'm kinda bored right now. well the other day i decided to change my name, but it only lasted for about a half hour. i changed it to tiffany. in only about 30 seconds i already had a few nicknames. it was kinda funny. i decided that i want a blonde haired gay friend. i've always wanted a gay friend, but i was talking about it today. i've got him pictured in my head now. i just have to find him. but that's it. so if anyone knows or is the friend i am looking for just tell me about it!
**erika marie***
current mood: i'm ready
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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Sunday, July 21st, 2002
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1:46 am - these boys2men songs are great......
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FOUR SEASONS OF LONELINESS
I long for the warmth of days gone by
When you were mine
But now those days are memories in time
Life's empty without you by my side
My heart belongs to you
No matter what I try
When I get courage up to love somebody new
It always falls apart 'cause they just
Can't compare to you
You love won't release me
I'm bound under ball and chain
Reminiscing our love as I watch four season's change
Chorus:
In comes the winter breeze
That chills the air and drifts the snow
And I imagine kissing you under the mistletoe
When springtime makes its way here
Lilac blooms reminds me of the scent of your perfume
When summer burns with heat
I always get the hots for you
Go skinny dippin' in the ocean where we used to do
When autumn sheds the leaves the trees are bare
When you're not here it doesn't feel the same
Remember the nights when we closed our eyes
And vowed that you and I would be in love for all time
Anytime I think about these things is shared with you
I break down and cry 'cause I get so emotional
Until you release me I'm bound under ball and chain
Reminiscing our love as I watch four seasons change
Chorus
This loneliness
Has crushed my heart
Please let me love again
'Cause I need your love to comfort me and ease my pain
Or four seasons will bring the loneliness again
END OF THE ROAD
Girl you know we belong together
Now I have no time for you
To be playing with my heart like this
You’ll be mine forever baby, you just see
We belong together
And you know that I’m right
Why do you play with my heart
Why do you play with my mind
Said we’d be forever
Said it would never die
How could you love me and leave me
And never say goodbye
When i can't sleep at night
Without holding you tight
Girl each time I try I just break down and cry
Pain in my head
Oh I’d rather be dead
Spinning around and around
Although we’ve come
To the end of the road
Still I can’t let go
It’s unnatural,you belong to me
I belong to you
Come, to the end of the road
Still I can’t let go
It’s unnatural,you belong to me
I belong to you
Girl I know you really love me
You just don’t realize
You’ve never been there before
It’s only your first time
Maybe I’ll forgive you
Maybe you’ll try
We should be happy together
Forever you and I
If you love me again
Like you love me before
This time I want you to love me much more
This time is scarce, just come to my bed
And baby just don’t let me down
all tho
[Breakdown]
Girl I’m here for you
All those times at night
When you just hurt me
And just ran out with that other fella
Baby I knew about it, I just didn’t care
You just don’t understand
How much I love you do you, I’m here for you
I’m not out to just go out and cheat all night
Repeat 2 while talking
Just like you did, but baby that’s alright
Huh, I love you anyway
And I’m still going to be here for you
Until my dying day
Right now I’m just in so much pain again
Cause you won’t come back, will you
Just come back to me
Yes girl my heart is lonely
My heart hurts baby, I feel pain too
Baby please
current mood:  tired
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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Wednesday, July 3rd, 2002
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2:04 am - i want to be a corny son of a gun!
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well..i just want everyone to know i have the best boyfriend imaginable! jimmy-you are my world i don't know what i would do without your stomach(island) or your hairy butt-crack! lol
but seriously your hairy armpits just do it for my everytime...just looking at them..i mean you..gives me butterflies in my stomach. i just wanted to say thank you for letting me look at you and bringing out my long lost friend julio!
-erika-
this is for everyone who reads this...the real message is that right now i have a boyfriend who treats me better than i deserve to be treated by anyone. and besides him i have several great friends who make me excited to go to bed just to wake up the next day and hang out with them!!!
-erika-
current mood: tired but not sleepy
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Tuesday, June 25th, 2002
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2:21 am
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internet is cool...not...i only do it sometimes when i'm bored...i guess i qualify as really bored right now bc i'm even doing this thing! but life is great...and i don't need to vent about anything...except allergies.....they are killing me right now! that's it bc i'm a loser and no one likes me..!!
-erika-
current mood:  sleepy
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(8 comments | comment on this)
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Monday, April 29th, 2002
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11:24 am - hey again!
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well.....i was lost in space for a while! i don't know where i went but i went there. well now that i make no sense! anyways...my life is going good...my friends are going good...my boyfriend is good...um...this weekend was interesting if you ask me! but it was cool. to many things happened in to little of a time to really have is set in yet tho! o well. i really don't know what else to say except i want to make a few shot-outs!
*~*brittany*~*i love your right titty! it is amazing ;) we are so awesome i love us! we got crazy memories up in herr!!
*~*melissa*~*i love you girl...to many damn memories! you are like my sister that my parents forgot to hump for!
*~*shauna*~*you are a friend to the end...if you ever need to vent, you know i am there to listen to your stories and i will give you advice bc that's what i'm good at---figuring out other people's lives!
*~*gina*~*you have been gone for way to long...i'm getting sick of it! come back terd!
*~*shannon*~*we have quite a few memories together (being the only girls with a million guys) but right now i feel like that's all our friendship has boiled down to...memories....we need to make some more damnit!
*~*amie*~*girl you are something else! i love your life...its like a soap opera! haha but i'm really glad we're friends bc your great!
*~*maria*~*i love you! you are such and awesome cousin, because you are such a great friend to me! i had fun with you the other weekend, we had a nice chit chat when everyone else zonked!
*~*amelia*~*sometimes i think i influence you to do bad things, but then i remember our "talks" and i know that you are on the same level as me! o i love our "talks" they crack me up! i love you!
*~*christina*~*even tho we aren't together like we used to be when we were little...you know i love you unconditionaly. you are a great cousin to have!
*~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~*
ok boys........you guys aren't as special as my girls! but that's only bc there are to many boys to talk about and to many things to write...(i tried and it was just taking to long) but i love you all, and you know who you are!
*~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~*
ok.......the boys who disapeared from my life almost completely......
i miss you guys a lot. you guys became like my best friends ever, but now its like the friendship sizzled away....we have such awesome memories! omg i love them all! *~**~**~*that's especially for JAKE-songs-car rides-endless talks trying to fix eachothers lives-videos and JEFF-whitney houston(we still need to watch body guard)-our good talks-online late~night talks-parties at your house that was only 4 people all the time!and DANNY-you became like my brother! we even faught like siblings! MATT-dancing and singing in jeff's living room!-what's up baby?!-ugly talks!
*~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~*
ok and now jimmy...you came back into my life at the worst time! but somehow after a long time we pulled out of that giant ditch together! i don't know why you stayed by my side the whole time, but i am so glad you did. that on its own means so much to me! you make me so happy...its emaculate! i could type about it for an hour but no one wants to read about it...but i love you..and thats about it...and so i'm done!
*~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~*
ok now for the number one best person in my life that i think i would die without.............DIANA!!!!!
diana...you are like the left side of my brain! i would be so dumb without you!***that sounded better when i didn't type it***but you know what i mean. me and you have been best friends our whole entire life....i can't beleive that you ever thought that i would disown you for anything that you did!! i would never do that. but ya you mean more to me than i can even think to put in words, let alone try and type on the computer! but i love you!
those are the most important people in my life besides the rest of my family, but i love them all too!
ok i just wanted to be like everyone else for a minute and write to all my friends!
-erika-
current mood:  geeky
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(8 comments | comment on this)
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Tuesday, March 26th, 2002
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1:58 pm
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1*Name Spelled Backwards?* enoeletnom eiram akire
2*Age?* 16
4*Fave Peanuts Character?* um....woodstock
5*Simpsons character?* bart! he's funny
6*Do you use straws?* when i remeber i have them!
7*Do you wear underwear?* 99% of the time
8*Whats ur favorite type of underwear?* my little boy underwear are so cool!
9*Do you wear a bra?* Usually...
10*Do you enjoy it?* not particularly!
11*So Skipper, whats ur favorite font?* comic sans
12*Do you swear?* sometimes...but i'm tring to quit!!! (focker)
13*What exactly do you swear on?* my life...my pinky..lotsa stuff
14*So are you a virgin?* yep
15*Are you male, female, or both?* i'm a girl, but sometimes i think i was supposed to be a boy!
16*How much do you weigh?*112?
17*Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?* kinda
18*A hot SEXY girlfriend/boyfriend?* uh huh!
19*Just how hot is ur bf/gf?* um...lets just say he is red-hot!!~~mel~~
20*What are you wearing right now?* red adidas pants and a white hoodie
21*What is the time hottie?* about 2
22*How many fone numbers do you have memerized?* a few
23*Wanna add mine to the list?* surely
24*1-800-Fuck-Me* probably no
25*Do you enjoy walks on the beach?* yep
26*With killer sharks looming in the waters?* ya! that would be sooo cool
27*Have you ever been to sea-world?* nope :(
28*Have you ever been 2 disney land/world?* nope but i'm going soon!
EnOuGh RaNdOm QuEsTiOnS....
What do you think of when you hear...
Josh-Hartnet!!! sexy
Beets-yummy/doug
Sun-summer/beach/ fun!!
Blue-balls! um...
Cheetah-can't hardly wait!
Orange-um...people
Food-i want some
Lick-...
Lemon-sour!
Suck-...
Shauna-packan
Queer-As Folk! good show!
Hate-um....no person comes to mind!
Kill-bad people
Phone-talking on it with jimmy
Computer-damn things take over people's lives!!
Camera-best friend
Kroger-add a s
Arbors-i don't know
Elephant-lotsa pee and poop!
Keyboard-keyboarding class! jimmy and nick!
Survey-usually i don't do these things....but sixth hours kinda gay today!
current mood: tired
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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Wednesday, March 20th, 2002
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10:22 pm - wtf
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what is the point....for real?! i was pondering this thought today out loud, and justin told me that my purpose in life was to be his friend...no offense to him or anything bc i love him! but what kind of purpose is that!? i wish living was as simple as a damn computer...you don't like it?? delete from your memory completely! you don't want to put up with it?? just close it and forget about it for a while! i mean for real...what is the point of living? you breath...eat...drink..(and the after affects)...you live...love...get hurt...have some fun...get hurt...people come into your life and then leave you sitting there like wtf where did you go? and then you try and be their friend again, and its just not the same as it was when you hung out 24/7 bc when you leave your other friends behind it bothers them. so no one is ever happy with one person's actions...so think about it...how many people are in the world? so at least 5 people are upset by something they did at any given time. so more people are pissed than exhist. its so gay. i don't want to live. but then what happens? who knows. i don't want to exist maybe is a better word. bc if i never existed then i never would have gotten hurt or hurt people or been sad or cried or even think about any of this bullshit.
how can i even deal with any of it? i can't i don't know how. i don't know how to explain how i feel, so i don't know what's wrong and i don't know how to fix it. i can't run away from it anymore. but i can't look it in the face. i can't let anyone else even see what it is. but its all in my head. my little messed up head has been able to screw up everything so badly that i don't even know what i'm thinking ever. i hid everything and i don't know where it went, but its eating me away from its hiding spot. i can't stand it.
~~how can you expect me to be able to love when i can't even feel?
something is wrong and people can see it, but i push it away, and so do they. but then when they want to know about it, they expect me to just let it all pour out. i can't...i don't know how to do it.
i think i know so much...but i know nothing about anything. i know how to live. but i don't know how to even live right. wtf is going on? i don't even know what i'm typing about...i keep thinking of a million different things at once and none of them even have anything to do with eachother
why do i look for pity when that's the only thing i don't want...
why do i still cry about it?
why do i look for one person to confide everything in when i don't even know what to confide in them
why can't i open my eyes?
why do i expect to see her when i know she's gone?
why do i care so much about myself?
why do i want to care so much about everyone else's lives?
why do i write all this bs for the whole world to read?
why do i force tears out of my eyes?-crying doesn't let anything out except the feelings. crying just brings back all the bad feelings about whatever happened.....so why do i do it?
why do i always have to be the one to make the call?
-erika-
current mood: pissed
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(19 comments | comment on this)
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Friday, March 15th, 2002
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1:56 pm - o my god becky look at her butt....its soo-> big!
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well sixth hour is always eventfull for me! usually a play E.T. games but today i played with livejournal. and i'm having way to much fun with it but ya i got dressed up for school today and wore my adidas shoes with it! but ya.....being a my age sucks my ass hole warts bc me and all my friends have all these things that are happening, and maybe to other people they aren't that big of a deal, but to all of us they are, and no one is able to fully understand or help eachother bc we are all wrapped up in our own things. that sucks hopefully its a phase that's over soon
-erika-
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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Thursday, March 14th, 2002
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5:41 pm
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yesterday i went out to eat then went and worked for my mom...then i went to macomb by myself and i had a lot of fun all alone! i never thought i would enjoy being alone but i did a bunch! then i went to my aunt's house and choaded out there till like 9ish. the whole day i didn't have to talk about any of my life bc i was mostly alone and i think that might've been why i enjoyed being alone. i thought about shit...not to deeply, but i thought a little bit...and even though my thoughts didn't lead anywhere..it was nice to think them! and i don't think i will be telling anyone anymore how i feel about crap, unless it just comes out in a conversation or maybe if they really care i'll tell them but sometimes people just straight up ask me to start spilling my guts, and when that happens i just get nervous and studder and w/e i say is just a heap of words that somehow finds it's way out of my mouth. when that happens, i don't even know what i'm talking about, and half of what i say, i say it on impulse and might not be really what i want to say. i don't know but i'm gonna stop talking about this bs bc its just gay! then today i went to brandenburg with mel and amie! we had a lot of fun and a good heart-heart-heart! then after school i took a shower then went to jimmy's for like 3 seconds..then went to justins now i'm about to eat dinner! but anyways....that's my life story for today pretty much. ya probably! peace out
-erika-
current mood: jumpy
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(8 comments | comment on this)
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Tuesday, March 12th, 2002
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2:05 pm
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my life is like a damn toilet right now....brittany you know what i'm talking about! (that was really mean of me that day) but uh....well there is nothing for me to talk about except sad stuff but for right now i'll push it away so that i can cheer up my other friends who are having more troubles than i am. there lives are more important to me and my life can be put on hold until i can figure it out, or until i have outside sources to help me bc when its not your own life, its always easier to figure it out! and that is why i am helping my friends right now....when they are all out of their slumps hopefully they will help me out of mine!
DIANA-YOU ARE THE BEST SISTER....SOMETIMES I REALLY HATE YOU BUT IF I DIDN'T HAVE YOU IN MY LIFE I DON'T KNOW WHERE I WOULD BE!
jimmy-i wish you would talk to me but uh...i guess your way to sweet to do that...assuming things always gets me no where!
bobby-what you said to me last night really did mean a lot to me...and you have no idea!
nick-i really didn't think you'd care to be in here bc i didn't think you really cared about me to tell you the truth...but maybe you do care!!
poopy-i miss all our talks! where'd they go?
mel-i'm glad we're so dumb together bc if we weren't all i would have would be my dumb little journal
gina-we really don't click like we used to and it kinda sucks...i don't apreciate that kind of crap! fix it damnit!
shauna-lately it seems to me that your priorities are whack...but i'm still here for you as a friend and as soon as you realize what your doing and you snap back into reality i'm ready for you!
brit-hopefully all of our reminscing will be new memories made!
jake-i can't go to the damn game...but i will definitly be calling you more often so we can just be losers together more often!
jeff-i gotta call you back! i forgot to do it...but its alright...when you come home again we need to wang out!
all my other friends...i need time with all you choads! i am having a really goofy time in my life and i need to make major decisions....even if i get no advice from anyone...i need to at least hang out with you guys!
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(15 comments | comment on this)
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Thursday, March 7th, 2002
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11:14 pm
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well.....today was a fun day for me! i really didn't do all that much..but i'm a loser that is easily entertained...but i did a bunch of shit then went to jimmy's for like 2 seconds before i went home and they were all about to go to a concert that i couldn't go to b/c i got in trouble for the mest concert.....which by the way was the coolest night of my life!!!! but i'm sure anyone who knows me knows someone else that went that told the whole story in their journal....but i need to say this...TIM IS VERY SEXY! ok that's it. but anyways...until spring break i am not allowed to drive except for to school and work so i'm gonna need rides everywhere! so um...any volounteers?!!? haha o well..i really could care less but diana is taking it to heart...that sucks..wow i do the little dots way to much for me to handle so i think i might just stop doing that for a while but ya um right now my life is like better than i coulda asked for! (except for the whole getting in troublel bs) but i am excited for myself but the only problem is that i still am not eating but i don't know what that has to do with but its cool no its not someone send food
i am one of the 6546513054321306 children starving in somalia and i need a lot of food so if you have any please drop all of it off in my mouth! thank you and good night
-erika-
current mood:  blah
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(9 comments | comment on this)
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Wednesday, February 20th, 2002
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10:14 pm - well.....
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my word of the night is wang.....like...."lets wang out!" lol i'm a loser. but really i think that i want my life to be filled with just wanging out right now. maybe that's why i'm doing what i'm doing. by that, i mean, i am liking a guy that i have no chance with, but maybe i'm doing it so that i am not with anyone. b/c i really don't want to be with anyone. even when i think about if he wanted me, i don't even know if i'd want to be with him. i don't know if that makes sense to anyone, but it makes perfect sense to me. i decided that's why i feel how i feel and i do what i do.
but i didn't eat dinner yet today, and i don't think i'm going to. for some reason i don't eat sometimes...its really gay. o well maybe i'll eat some junk food later!
-erika-
aka stupid ass (self named)
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(17 comments | comment on this)
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Tuesday, February 19th, 2002
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10:33 pm
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why do i insist on holding onto something that probably doesn't even exist? why don't i open my eyes? why can't a make up my own mind?
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(comment on this)
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10:33 pm
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why do i insist on holding onto something that probably doesn't even exist? why don't i open my eyes? why can't a make up my own mind?
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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Thursday, February 7th, 2002
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8:44 pm
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i see something in you. i don't know what it is, but no matter how bad i hurt, i try and keep you near. in the end, i get hurt. but i learned to see it your way, and you aren't as bad as they tell me. they keep reminding me of how bad it was, and how hurt i got. But you taught me that everything is not based that month. we were together for so long. those few months that were bad..were they just sour grapes? do you want to go around them? do i want to go around them? before i can do anything i need to figure out what i want to do. i need to know how i feel without anyone's opinion. but yours is so stuck in my head. how could what you say mean so much to me, but your own words don't seem to have meaning to you? it doesn't make sense. you said don't let this day, or week, or whatever the timespan of bad times overpower all the good times. you said that. i changed my viewpoint. but a few days later, you changed your viewpoint. now your looking at it as if the bad times overpowered the good. it doesn't make sense, but what happened, happened. now i need to figure out what i think is best. i need to get your voice out of my mind. i know what is better, but i need to let my heart realize it. or maybe its the other way around. maybe, my heart knows whats right, but my head won't let it be right.
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(9 comments | comment on this)
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Sunday, February 3rd, 2002
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11:29 pm
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ok...well first of all i just want to say that slowly i am becoming myself again. i am getting that hyper/crazy/eating machine erika back. lol but seriously...there was like a few months of my life that i just became numb to everything that was happening around me, only caring about one thing. then in the middle of me going numb, my life kinda fell apart. it seemed as if peices of my whole life were going away. it really sucked. but even tho all those things are going away...new things are coming into my life. i have found a new closeness with my cousins who i love so much(one of those cousins has kinda been left out...sorry chris)...and i feel like i am gaining my friends back that i turned my back on B4 (sorry about that i know that my true friends have stayed with me through this)...plus i re-found some of my lost friends and i love being with all of them! plus even tho i lost the one person that made my whole life turn upside down...i think that i might have found someone to turn it back around. i don't want to get into any of that stuff bc i'm still confused in that area....but as soon as i found out about the person's feelings....i must admit that my depressed mode almost disapeared imidiatly! but i don't know what to do about all that jazz....i am still confused right now and i definitly don't want to get myself into any trouble....i just want to figure out things...then we'll see what happens!! i just hope it all works out for the better....:)
-erika-
current mood:  giddy
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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Thursday, January 31st, 2002
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1:46 pm
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hey everyone! i'm really excited for the first snow-day of the year! i'm gonna go sledding :) and i got to snowmobile for a little bit. but i don't know what else to write....i just decided that i'm gonna try to write in this more often than B4 bye
-erika-
current mood:  anxious
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(7 comments | comment on this)
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Tuesday, January 29th, 2002
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9:36 pm
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hey....i haven't really been myself lately...and i don't know what's up with that crap. but i'm really sorry if i have been mean to anyone bc i don't know what is up in my little head right now! but if i am mean to you just tell me about it....(like shauna did OOOPS...) but i'm sorry
current mood:  frustrated
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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Thursday, January 24th, 2002
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7:55 pm
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well...today was a fun day! me and shauna slept for soo-> long. and then i woke up to a bunch of dude's in my living room! it was nice ;) lol but ya tonight there is nothing going on. i think i might just go over someone's house and watch movies. if anyone has anything to do and your my friend....call me! peace-it
*erika*
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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